This Child
by BrusselsSprout
Summary: A look into the time around Elisabeth's pregnancy from Elisabeth's and Philips point of view
1. Chapter 1

This Child

_"..to raise 'this child.' Live 'this life.' Takes place in the past around the time Elisabeth is pregnant. I do not own anything yadda yadda yadda, also only seen Season 1 so far - so apologies if all this has been disproved later in the show._

It felt like a butterfly fluttering its wings against the buttons of her jeans. Like a tiny finger tapping gently the inside of her abdomen. It felt remarkably like fear she thought as she stared out the car window fighting her nausea from the smell of blood and urine lingering from the fight that she somehow could not get out of her nose.

The butterfly was her secret for now. It was what the Center wanted, and she was used to following direction, but this time it just felt wrong. This creature was not like a wig or a pair of glasses that you could close away in a vault when not needed. Consolidating a disguise was not a good enough reason to bring someone else into the picture, someone without a choice. A child should be borne out of passion, out of love, and certainly not out of an operational need. If only things were different…

She looked at Philip, his jawlines still tense from the mission, driving purposefully to the refuge of their house, which felt more like a tactical base than a home, and Elisabeth was fine with that. She wondered what his reaction was going to be; joy, apprehension, relief? He seemed genuinely invested in fitting in, raising a family. It was the one order from the Center he seemed to be embracing enthusiastically. For her, it felt like the ultimate invasion into her core, although under the many layers of onion, she was not entirely sure she had a core anymore. Maybe it was all layers and then just emptiness.

After all these years working and living together, Philip was still a stranger to her, albeit a familiar one. Surely, there was more than one Philip: her partner, the highly efficient and lethal KGB operative she had learnt to count on and trust and her "husband", the goofy American guy, content and comfortable with his new life whose motivations kept eluding her. Could she trust this other Philip? And most importantly, did she want this child with either of them?

"I'll drop you off at the house and take this to the drop point" she heard him say.

"OK" – normally she would have argued, but this time, she was glad to remain alone. It was a chance for her to throw up and take a shower before he returned. The butterfly would stay her secret for now, she decided.


	2. Chapter 2

He walked into the bedroom quietly, slipping under the cover, careful not to wake Elisabeth. After her decision to have a child, they started to sleep together as a matter of routine, which had not always been the case. Philip wondered again in the dark what it took for her to let her walls down – despite the fact of sleeping together, she was as clammed up as ever. The sex was matter-of-fact and more than a bit awkward. And they never talked afterwards about it; they both felt more comfortable jumping back to work or discussing practical aspects of their lives.

Philip was fairly sure she was pregnant, as the sex had stopped in the last few weeks and there were other signs too – like her distaste for coffee, poking at her food with disgust and locking herself in the shower for long patches of time with the water running. He kept his suspicion to himself for now. He learnt over time that confrontation with Elisabeth usually meant she just dug her heels in more. It was usually a better move to wait until she was ready. He could not help wondering though if she changed her mind about the baby.

Ever since they started, he was apprehensive about it. Sure, the Center wanted them to have children to complete their cover, and Elisabeth reassured him that he would be a good father, but still, he could not quite picture their life with a child. Emmett and Leanne had done it, so it was possible. But what would the life of that child be he could not help wondering.

He heard a shift in Elisabeth's breathing and knew that she was awake. She was a light sleeper, they both were. It was a professional curse.

"Did you send the message?" she asked.

"Yes. They want you to go back to your contact and see whatever else you can squeeze out of him."

"Fine" she said in a flat tone. Philip stomach turned at the thought of her going back in to have sex with a stranger while pregnant with his child.

"Have you told them about the baby yet? You will have to stop doing this sooner or later" his grumble was met with stunned silence. At least she was not trying to deny it.

"I can do my job, Philip" it was an evasion, so typical of her.

"I don't want you to do it. You should be more careful, Elisabeth."

"It's not up to you. I can take care of myself." she retorted angrily.

Never showing any weakness was essential to her. He was not surprised, of course. The training, the job, the life was not for the faint hearted, and for women often it was twice as hard. The ones who made it had to be tough and he accepted that. But Elisabeth's weakness was her need to show strength at all times, her drive to push herself over and above everything. As if she still had to prove something to someone. As if becoming the elite of the elite, as if making the sacrifice of living this kind of life built on danger, fear, pain, humiliation, isolation and lies were somehow not enough.

"And who will take care of our child?" he asked quietly. "Don't you understand, this changes everything, this makes us a family for better or worse?"

"It's an arrangement, Philip. It's not real".

"The child will be real. And for him or her, this will be it."

"I don't know if I can do this." her whisper was barely audible.

"It will be fine. We'll be fine." Philip said with as much reassurance in his voice as he could muster despite his own misgivings. And for the first time in a long time, he felt like he will find a way, because nothing else was acceptable. The child needed him, his family needed him and you don't let your family down. Ever.


	3. Chapter 3

Elisabeth groans as she is struggling to tighten the buttons of her jeans. She has always been slender, not being able to button up is a whole new sensation. She sighs a sigh of resignation and pokes around her wardrobe until she finds a loose fitting dress.

"You will need to shop for some more clothes" she hears Philip say. He stands in the doorway looking at her. His face betrays just a touch of tenderness and awe as he takes in the slight curve of her abdomen. Elisabeth feels deeply uncomfortable under his gaze. Philip has always been perceptive. It has been his greatest strength as an agent. Elisabeth sometimes wondered if he could read her as well as he could the people they came across on the field. The thought made her uncomfortable and she worked constantly to build fortesses in her mind that would keep him out. "We have to tell Gabriel today" he says. Elisabeth knows he is right but she is nevertheless irritated that he assumes it is ok to suddenly make decisions for her. She angrily shuts the door.

Gabriel's apartment smells of fresh pasta sauce. Usually Elisabeth loves their meals together. It is the closest thing to a family dinner here. But she is still squeamish, the morning sickness has been with her for weeks. Gabriel greets them with a smile. "Come in. Food is waiting". As they sit down at the table, Gabriel starts to lay out the plans for a new operation. "Elisabeth, it is essential to keep access to our man at all times. He has a weakness for leggy blonds". Philip look at her waiting to make a comment. But she is unsure what to say. Philip sighs and says "Elisabeth is pregnant. The Center should keep her out of these". Gabriel smiles a warm smile. "I am happy for you. The Center will be pleased too. We will make other arrangements of course."

He walks over to his drawer and pulls out a piece of paper. "They suggest you choose a name from this list." Elisabeth takes the paper feeling irritated. The Center makes sure they know who the child belongs to. They will not let them even choose a name. She knows that Philip feels the same when he mutters between clenched teeth: "We will consider them". The list is full of names like Jennifer, Ashley, Brian, Josh. Names that sound foreign and conjure images of full-bred red-white and blue Americans. She scans the list "Paige?" she asks. "Really?" "It means young helper" Gabriel responds immediately. "Actually quite fitting. This child will complete your story". Of course Gabriel would know. He has a sickening love affair with the English language savouring every word like a special bite. Dwelling on origins and etymology as if he were a quirky professor rather than a cold-hearted spy.


End file.
